I have a problem. A big one. I've failed. It went something like this...
I said to myself, "Self, it is totally ok to have a couple of beers. You worked hard, you ate right, just live a little." And so I lived. Then, the next day I said to myself, "Self, one drive thru meal will not un-do all that you've done." And so I went to Cook Out. I lived some more. Rinse, repeat. And that, friends, is how it all went wrong.
I'm here to tell you that I'm 100% or 0%. There really isn't an in-between for me right now. I'm very intense (duh!). The ENTIRE time I was going through the LC earlier this year, I was 100% committed. I was actually OVER committed because I didn't have a drop of alcohol, when we were allowed a small amount each day. I know myself. I can't "cheat" because I have no concept of the "in-between". I live and die by consequences. I feel that the only just life that one can live is one where you are held to the highest standard you set for yourself and you live through every single second of the consequences of your actions. Good AND bad.
I worked hard and I saw results. I defended my choices, when everyone said I was being too strict. I changed my situation and I felt absolutely great. Granted, my workout energy/stamina suffered a little, but, it wasn't anything that I couldn't correct. But in the back of my head, I kept hearing, "It's ok, you can't live your life that way all the time." And I gave in.
Over the last two months, I've made progressively worse choices and have ended up here. Rock bottom. You know how I know that it is rock bottom? I was diving in to one of the two packages of Oreos I bought this week at 0630 this morning when I noticed on the package it said "Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavor" Wait, wha???...Nothing else has stopped me in my tracks quite like this. Not even the plane ride home last week where the gentleman beside me took up half of my seat and basically forced me to sit to one side for the entire flight. (So big that I couldn't put down my tray table because of his leg) I wasn't even phased by my ER trip 4 weeks ago. The fact that I have felt like absolute sludge-y crap for the last two months didn't stop my roll through the drive thru and the bags of chips and cookies and soda. And, we won't even talk about the beer....
But this...I started to evaluate the "Natural Flavor" of my Lemon Creme Oreos. I have NEVER come across an actual lemon that has tasted anything like the creme in that cookie. I have NEVER actually tasted anything that even resembles a cookie out in "nature". Was I supposed to feel better about my life because the word "Natural" occurs twice on the cookie package? Absurd. I stared at the words on the package. I felt sick to my stomach. And I cried.
I'd be lying if I said I knew where to go from here. I'm confused and disappointed and sad. I haven't had issue fitting in the smaller clothes, but, they don't look quite right. I feel awful. I have no energy, I'm moody and I'm craving junk all the time. My confidence is so low, it doesn't even register. I am emotional and disconnected.
I have to find my way again. My body is in revolt. I'm not afraid of being strict again. I'm afraid of staying stuck right where I am and feeling like this forever.
Stay tuned....
LG
